


and you may walk a lonely road

by smol_avengers



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Gen, M/M, Minor Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Old Steve Rogers, Unrequited Love, by the time bucky figures out his stupid feelings it's toO LATE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-24 11:29:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21098741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smol_avengers/pseuds/smol_avengers
Summary: James Buchanan Barnes has a habit.And when you get right down to the basics, the habit is simple. It's this: Bucky turns back, no matter the circumstance, for Steve Rogers. He defies odds and jumps fences and crosses warzones and destroys everything in his path, for even the chance to see him.(In which Bucky mourns what could have been)





	and you may walk a lonely road

**Author's Note:**

> OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS
> 
> 1\. this was actually one of my first fics on AO3, and I was rereading it the other day. And I didn't like it. So I edited it a little bit and now it's changed completely and my writing style has changed so much aslkdfjaldskjfaldsfjk
> 
> 2\. i wrote this during finals.
> 
> 3\. see number 2. i'm an idiot.

James Buchanan Barnes has a habit.

It's almost unnoticeable by now, set so deeply in his bones that maybe it's just instinct. It skirts in the corners of his mind like the feeling of his phantom limb, day after night after year. It's something even the brainwashing can't get out, something that can't be cleaned away. And so Bucky's done what he always does - he's learned to live with it.

It's no use trying to break it. He couldn't do it if he tried.

_ He knows that now. _

When you get right down to the basics, the habit is simple. It's this: Bucky turns back, no matter the circumstance, for Steve Rogers. He defies odds and jumps fences and crosses warzones and destroys everything in his path, for even the _ chance _to see him.

For that smile, those hands. Bucky has never learned from his mistakes.

And it's hard not to fall in love with a man who's saved your life so many times. The history books say it one way - "Bucky Barnes protected Tiny Steve Rogers" - and Bucky says it the other. Steve meets him halfway, on top of the fences and in the center of the warzones. There's no peace, no respite. Not with Steve. You touch and he _ burns. _He burns away all the worst traits in you. He's aflame with anger and sadness and whatever else he hides behind that fucking shield, but he burns you in all the right ways. 

_ The ways which Bucky will never experience. _

There's really never been any hope, not for Bucky. The Carter dame was nice, with her lips all red and eyes strong. She wasn't nicer than Bucky, really she wasn't - but she had nicer eyes. They were the kind of eyes that weren't gonna go down without a fight, and Bucky saw they would drag Steve down with them.

_ When all Bucky wanted to do was protect, protect, protect - _

He's trained to protect. That big-brother instinct he'd always had as a kid, well - Hydra took it and made it stronger. Shaped it into something that was sharp, and metal, and quiet. So now Bucky has two sides: the soft side, the one that helps cats out of trees and takes children home, and the sharp side.

The sharp side is the side that shoots both the cat and the child in one shot. And then goes home and gets tortured and has nutrients pumped in his blood because he's a goddamn zombie.

_ He really regrets a lot. _

And it's 70 years, 70 whole years of brainwash and gore and brains oozing out of ears. It's 70 whole years until Bucky knows. It takes 70 goddamn years for Tony Stark to think up Pym Particles, 70 horrible, long, mind-numbing years of _ Steve Steve Steve Steve - _

By then, of course, it's too late. Bucky has learned through trial and error that it's always too late.

When Steve comes back from time, a band of gold on his finger, Bucky doesn't say anything. He doesn't ask who. He knows. He knows that kind of ring, and he knows that kind of gold, and he knows that kind of satisfaction in Steve's eyes. The happiness of a job well done.

He's well aware of the strong eyes and red lips that placed that ring on Steve's finger and that satisfaction in his eyes. 

_ Of course he knows. _

So he pastes on a smile, regulates his heartbeat so it doesn't beat out of his chest. He watches from a distance as Steve, in a different body, hands the shield to Sam. He tries not to notice the bone-deep ache, like something is very slowly tearing him apart. He tries not to think about how this is the third time Steve has changed so drastically. About how Bucky should be used to it by now but never is. 

He walks towards the lake. He can sense both Steve and Sam behind him. They don't speak, not to him and not to each other. There isn't really anything to say.

Bucky stops at the edge, looking out over the water.

And then he looks back, because that's what he does. Call it what you will. Judge him if you'd like. 

_ It won't change a thing. _

Steve is looking at the water too, smiling a soft smile that Bucky has committed to memory a thousand times. He swallows what feels like a stone in his throat, swallows, and blinks and switches his attention to Sam. And Sam is looking out at the water too, and his eyes speak of heartbreak and crashed pilots and lost love. 

So Bucky looks out at the lake as well, joining in with the crowd. And he shutters his eyes and locks his gaze and freezes his expression, because that's what he knows how to do.

And the instinct, or habit, or whatever the hell you want to call it - well, it just doesn't go away. 

**Author's Note:**

> alright well!!! i haven't slept in over 24 hours but hopefully i didn't fuck this up too bad
> 
> comments and kudos will help me stay cool 'cause it's 90 dEGREES oUTSIdE


End file.
